Hearing that a friend whom I deeply respect, share every deep thought with, and confirm hers, is going to move on up so to speak, makes me feel nauseated. Maybe because we've talked a LOT about her conflict internally, spiritually about not needing or wanting a bigger house, to not be in suburbs, etc. So how can I be genuine?
A similar feeling happened when I heard another friend was doing the same thing three years ago. Could they be the same reason? I would hope not, because my respect is higher for one.
Heard in a podcast sermon that the world, surprisingly, isn't impressed with a huge house, going golfing all day sunday, our outwardly worldly obsessions, possessions, but what the world takes notice of, is people like the new pope, and Mother Theresa. downward mobility, humility at its most sacrificial level.
Us and our three kids, take up 2 bedrooms. Two,.. we have 4 bedrooms, but 2 aren't slept in. I can see why downward mobility isn't that 'sacraficial' when where we 'lay our heads down' for 8 hours, doesn't need to require solidary confinement when all we're doing is sleeping! I can't judge, and say you're worse, b/c I have a four bedroom house. But I do sometimes think MINE is too much, a little too nice, and large, when some teens come here and they have a tiny run-down home.. and I do, wonder when kids are older, if they will ever need, or want, or if I will want them to have their own space. In a way, I think the older they are the more I'll actually enjoy our conversations more! AND the more I won't want them up, alone, with their hormonal minds, in their solidary confinement of a room, its actually seeming more and more like an unhealthy way to grow psychologically! When we're most wanting alone time, or space, is sometimes when we feel the MOST lonely, unvalidated, and needing comfort, or even answers..
What I love about living here is living close to like-minded believers. Who challenge me deeper, to live more simply and ALSO more sacrificially. So when a friend I deeply respect announces plans to get a bigger house, I want to scream "NOOOOOOOOO! I respect you and your life of obedience to Jesus so much! Please don't make a move that our selfishness craves, our world deems necessary, that we all fall prey to!" I want her to experience what we've experienced from choosing a 'harder' path, to make a move sacrificially, the benefits we've felt feel and want others to experience, TRUE community from God, Blessing from obedience..so am I saying that her moving means less of God? That can't be right..so Lord help me!
...then I worry is it a jealous thing? It can't be, b/c I live in a ridiculous huge, nice big 4 bedroom house myself. I honestly believe its that I crave to be around people who challenge me, and live in a way I want to model my life after, and when a decision is made to move 'up' I wonder if it matters to God? If I'm being Judgmental in my sadness. Because I am not mad, I am not saying she's not a believer! Because I deeply respect her...I just wonder if my feelings are ...valid? If I feel this way for a reason..if praying about it is trivial, a non-issue, even nosey? When I say I'm not mad, I may question that..I do roll my eyes when thinking about it. Maybe its because it comes off as the typical American dream to move to a bigger home, that hard work finally pays for. But I roll my eyes because its expected, and I expect people like her to beat the odds of falling to that pressure of needing a nicer home....Lord help me respond how you would, and want me to. Help me to understand your heart, and what to do about my seemingly foolish feelings about this trivial, but emotional decision.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
light in the dark
A few observations just from today.
Debbie has been a testimony to me of a consistently loving, Christ-residing-in lady, who LIVES in the daycenter for the HOMELESS. Multiple ladies at our bible study have talked about what "Debbie has told me" regarding spiritual matters, making good decisions, God's love, etc. She is a meek but solid Rock in the darkest of places. She is quiet, but has ministered to me in the way she is completely 100% content in the daycenter, but not b/c she is taking advantage of the system, (because today she spoke of telling another previous resident Patti, how they are in no place to complain there, in comparison to the rest of the world where food is scarce and running water is a commodity) but ministers to me about being content in Christ ALONE, not circumstance, which was the devotional topic today.
Today at bible study, Debbie brought with her a lady, who looked like she was currently and for the last 20 years on meth. On the way home, she started telling us her story, Debbie would interject to BRAG on her, encourage her, and then both ended the conversation on singing a Christian song about being "BE-BE-BE-BEautiful" left me both speechless and laughing. The cynical me, laughing that a drug addict that looked 40 years older than she was, perhaps doing meth the night before, singing a Christian pop song seems ridiculous, over the top, and far fetched, and almost a shaking head, this is nuts, kind of reaction...the spiritual side, emotional side wanted to sing with them, knowing we are ALL here together, seemingly beautiful 'together' people next to ladies smelling less than wonderful, zero make-up, but all in sync in the ONLY THING we talked about earlier that matters, being united in Christ, joyful in HIM together, NOT in our ever changing dark and sometimes shallow problem filled world.
To hear at my table all 3 ladies agreed that where they feel joy is there, at bible study, in community with believers, is proof that GOd is Joy. God's joy is felt where he is, and where there's a lot of God dweller (ladies in this case :)), there is MORE joy to be found! That's why Kelly and I agree that Tuesdays feels in a way more like church described in Acts, than SUnday morning. We havent sold our belongings to share, etc. BUT we are sharing deeply with each other. There are no prayer requests for trips to dallas, prayer requests were for drug addicted strangers they barely knew! Its comforting b/c we're feeling comfortable enough to go deep, beyond the shallow, and that's where Christ is, in the vulnerable, open hearts.
Speaking of. Patti is another person ministering to Kelly and me too. She was what I would describe as a flat, negative, no-nonsense lady when we first met her less than a year ago. Since she started coming, she got OUT of daycenter, got a new job, within walking distance, and new shoes too :), . she was ON CLOUD 9! But what we feared happened 3 weeks after. She was laid off. She called Kelly crying, and after Kelly consoled her that night, and both prayed. GOD happened to Patti. She testified that through her seeking God, he found her, he drew her up out of her miry pit by the next morning,. that Sunday morning, she started recalling scripture about joy coming in the morning. The music she listened to ministered to her, and after deciding to choose God still, went to church and THAT ministered to her as well. She was so happy, JOY FILLED after church, she called Kelly again, only the message was how comforted and validated she truly was, IN CHRIST. In the voice message, she explained she was not sad, mad at God,. He has her in the palm of his hand, she still believes in him, has hope in him, b/c she believes GOD is Good. And she was joy filled knowing how close and how personal God was, ministering and reaching out to her throughout her suffering. Seeing her personality change has been a living testimony of God working and changing PEOPLE.
How many people have been literally CHANGED in our church I wonder? Because we aren't either hearing from them, or as one of my fav. song says "you can have a church full of members, but empty in conversions, ...you may hear the whole church clap but no clap in the heavens then the clap is just a clap clap":)
What I realized is how much Patti was recalling what Kelly said, what Debbie said, what a pastor said, what scripture said. A heart completely ripe and ready for Christ is wide open ears, to instruction, open to wisdom, truth. Praise God for Patti showing me what it means to know when a person i'm ministering to is ready for me to preach the gospel to them. A reminder that God opens hearts, not me.
God is more easily seen, found, in places where people have less in the way of God.
Debbie has been a testimony to me of a consistently loving, Christ-residing-in lady, who LIVES in the daycenter for the HOMELESS. Multiple ladies at our bible study have talked about what "Debbie has told me" regarding spiritual matters, making good decisions, God's love, etc. She is a meek but solid Rock in the darkest of places. She is quiet, but has ministered to me in the way she is completely 100% content in the daycenter, but not b/c she is taking advantage of the system, (because today she spoke of telling another previous resident Patti, how they are in no place to complain there, in comparison to the rest of the world where food is scarce and running water is a commodity) but ministers to me about being content in Christ ALONE, not circumstance, which was the devotional topic today.
Today at bible study, Debbie brought with her a lady, who looked like she was currently and for the last 20 years on meth. On the way home, she started telling us her story, Debbie would interject to BRAG on her, encourage her, and then both ended the conversation on singing a Christian song about being "BE-BE-BE-BEautiful" left me both speechless and laughing. The cynical me, laughing that a drug addict that looked 40 years older than she was, perhaps doing meth the night before, singing a Christian pop song seems ridiculous, over the top, and far fetched, and almost a shaking head, this is nuts, kind of reaction...the spiritual side, emotional side wanted to sing with them, knowing we are ALL here together, seemingly beautiful 'together' people next to ladies smelling less than wonderful, zero make-up, but all in sync in the ONLY THING we talked about earlier that matters, being united in Christ, joyful in HIM together, NOT in our ever changing dark and sometimes shallow problem filled world.
To hear at my table all 3 ladies agreed that where they feel joy is there, at bible study, in community with believers, is proof that GOd is Joy. God's joy is felt where he is, and where there's a lot of God dweller (ladies in this case :)), there is MORE joy to be found! That's why Kelly and I agree that Tuesdays feels in a way more like church described in Acts, than SUnday morning. We havent sold our belongings to share, etc. BUT we are sharing deeply with each other. There are no prayer requests for trips to dallas, prayer requests were for drug addicted strangers they barely knew! Its comforting b/c we're feeling comfortable enough to go deep, beyond the shallow, and that's where Christ is, in the vulnerable, open hearts.
Speaking of. Patti is another person ministering to Kelly and me too. She was what I would describe as a flat, negative, no-nonsense lady when we first met her less than a year ago. Since she started coming, she got OUT of daycenter, got a new job, within walking distance, and new shoes too :), . she was ON CLOUD 9! But what we feared happened 3 weeks after. She was laid off. She called Kelly crying, and after Kelly consoled her that night, and both prayed. GOD happened to Patti. She testified that through her seeking God, he found her, he drew her up out of her miry pit by the next morning,. that Sunday morning, she started recalling scripture about joy coming in the morning. The music she listened to ministered to her, and after deciding to choose God still, went to church and THAT ministered to her as well. She was so happy, JOY FILLED after church, she called Kelly again, only the message was how comforted and validated she truly was, IN CHRIST. In the voice message, she explained she was not sad, mad at God,. He has her in the palm of his hand, she still believes in him, has hope in him, b/c she believes GOD is Good. And she was joy filled knowing how close and how personal God was, ministering and reaching out to her throughout her suffering. Seeing her personality change has been a living testimony of God working and changing PEOPLE.
How many people have been literally CHANGED in our church I wonder? Because we aren't either hearing from them, or as one of my fav. song says "you can have a church full of members, but empty in conversions, ...you may hear the whole church clap but no clap in the heavens then the clap is just a clap clap":)
What I realized is how much Patti was recalling what Kelly said, what Debbie said, what a pastor said, what scripture said. A heart completely ripe and ready for Christ is wide open ears, to instruction, open to wisdom, truth. Praise God for Patti showing me what it means to know when a person i'm ministering to is ready for me to preach the gospel to them. A reminder that God opens hearts, not me.
God is more easily seen, found, in places where people have less in the way of God.
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